Broken but Surviving

    I guess the title says it all, yes that's how I feel and it still hurts and I know that it will keep hurting but there's nothing I can do and this is actually the first time I wrote anything about it aside from the occasional tweets and well, I'm ready for it to hurt again. This guy who I realized I was in love with just like last week, just completely broke my heart and well, I don't know what to do anymore.

   He was the first guy I fell for and well yes, I am as I said broken and this is where I go into details, not full but enough for you to get how I felt. You see I'm from one of those families with strict dads but I know that he trusts me so I don't sneak out or what because I've heard just how hard it is to get that trust back so the last thing I want is to lose it so he said he'd allow me come college which right now is a month away. The guy confessed last summer and so we've liked each other for nearly ten months now and well, at one point he's shown signs of giving up but these days, he's been patient and understanding so you know I thought that we'd make it, well we obviously didn't.

   There was this dance coming up in their school and everyone expected that he'd ask me but we were on iffy terms then so I thought that if ever he wasn't going to then he'd just go alone. There were talks on what I'd do if he brought someone else and I said I wouldn't know but maybe I'd stop talking to him until he goes full effort to show that he regrets what he'd done. Finally the dreaded day came and I spent the night just having a Doctor Who marathon and eating a lot of ice cream.

   The next day I talked with my friend who went to the dance and she said she didn't see him which I thought was sorta weird and it seemed that she avoided the question so I was thinking it was either he went to another dance (as there really were other dances) or she was hiding something. As I was doing chores, she did a surprise visit and well yeah, it turned out she did see him and he did bring a date.

   I realized I couldn't go back to him even if he went full effort on me and so I cut off my connections with him and up to now, it's still hard. I told myself that I could handle it as I only did a quick cry in the shower and felt better. Finally, I came to school where it started sinking in that it might really be over between us and well, a lot of people found out and they all hated him but I felt sort of annoyed at the people who acted all sympathetic when they didn't even know we existed until we were over.

   I told myself that I can get through the day and I can get over him despite all those months of feelings. I told myself I could until I found out so many more other things that just took all my willpower not to hate him (as I vowed never to hate anyone again after an incident before). Note the fact that all these came from a friend, he actually told her all that even when they only met once and that part in itself hurt, that he didn't have the guts to tell me face to face.

   First and the one that hurt the most, at that point I felt like the only pride I had left in my 'relationship' with him was to stop talking to him and be the one to break it off. Well amazing news, it turns out he decided we were over two weeks ago and he decided not to tell me, that was just awfully nice of him. I felt like there was no dignity left within me (but of course, it is impossible to lose your dignity so yeah). Second,he was almost together with his date during the dance and she's full Chinese so her family doesn't like him since he's not even half-Chinese and lastly, he flirted with my friend, enough said.

   All my close friends without guys felt like giving up on them completely as they never knew a guy would be capable of doing such things, I had to be the one to comfort them saying that not all guys are like that because I know it's true because I have friends who will never be able to do that to whatever girl. I'm nowhere near over him but I am capable of laughing and having fun but I have lapses and I now have this tendency of questioning everything he ever told me because I mean, I think I have the right to. And that talk of him giving effort to get me back, he's not even going to try and that just hurts so much.

   So well the only perks of these is that my parents are letting me go out anytime because they don't want me spreading my depression germs at home plus, everyone's nicer to me but I would've been better off with them not caring if it meant him not doing all that, I just want a do over that's all.

There's always an upside

   So, the grad ball was last night and all so that was a hurricane I'm done with at least. Most of the day was spent in school as we had Gratitude Day and I'm glad I did.We arrived a bit late but thankfully it started late so we still got to start it. We had the talk from an alumni which was nice. I almost cried when the teachers gave a sort of thanksgiving and farewell speech for the seniors, the love was just amazing. After that, we wrote how our family has been a blessing to us and dad's was amazing as he rarely opened up so that was really just, amazing. Afterwards, we had lunch which was catered and so yummy and man, the thought of the food we ate is making me hungry again haha.

   Once lunch was finished, we were supposed to proceed to the peace garden to have our pictures taken, one formal and one informal, it was really funny, the pictures the people came out with. At that point, the people going to grad ball started leaving and I tried to ignore that as I went to the classroom we were assigned to with my parents. We sat down with one of my best friends behind us. We were told to watch this clip which was sort of a letter for the children from parents for when they get old and we were told to hold each other's hands and affirm our parents that we'd take care of them no matter what and then dad just had to point out that among all my friends, I should be the one there since I was the one who had a guy and then I started crying and all because I knew it was true and it was one of the reasons why it hurt so much.
 
   After we were given pieces of cardboard to draw a family symbol and ours was a tree that bore hearts, happiness and peace as it's fruit, we were called to explain it and all and you know, it was just fun. Our last activity was the blessing of the parents to their kids and I just kept crying because of all the love that surrounded me and the grad ball didn't seem so bad to miss after all. We ate merienda and then proceeded to the chapel and I sat in front as I was a reader. Man, one of the longest masses I've ever gone to, the homily in itself was an hour but it was good that it was funny, otherwise I would've fell asleep so the activity ended an hour later, we gave our parents roses and we were the ones who gave the host to one another.

   By the end of it, I was feeling so loved that I didn't care what was about to happen or whether he brought a date or not, I was just happy to have a family. We picked up Agatha and I was allowed to buy ice cream and thus, the rest of the night was spent with my in my comfiest jammies curled up with a bowl of cookies n' cream ice cream and did a marathon of Doctor Who, great night :D

Now it's Sunday and I'm frustrated on how to feel as my gratitude is battling my depression but my chest just hurts from all the conflict because well, yes, he brought a date and I just can't believe this is the end but it is and well, I just made a playlist for my feelings (mostly the sad part)

THE JC PLAYLIST:

apologize- one republic
don't speak- glee cast
baby don't you break my heart slow cover- taylor swift
the last time - taylor swift feat. gary lightbody
broken strings- james morrison feat. nelly furtado
candles- hey monday
fix a heart - demi lovato
exit wounds- the script
i almost do - taylor swift
lies- marina and the diamonds
sad- maroon 5
gravity- sara bareilles
six degrees of separation- the script
we were happy- taylor swift
torn- natalia imburglia
you will never be- julia sheer
fix you- coldplay

All the lasts that make you cry

   We had our last school mass today and being a member of the school choir made it very emotional for me as we sang our hearts out and when it came to the choir's trademark song 'Psalm 4', there was no choice but to just cry and look at one another and thinking this might be the last time you'll see one another for a long time but having no choice but to accept it. Being in that state made me remember my first mass as a choir member and my struggles to learn the voicing for all the songs and where I am now as I didn't have to even think about whether I was doing it right or what, I just did it.

   Afterwards, we attended the speechfest and cheered our own sections on. Each contestant brought something new to the table and we all wondered why are own speeches were so far from theirs, it was inspiring as the topic was the school and how it has formed us or how we identify ourselves after staying behind it's big walls for a bit more than a decade. We knew it was coming and we knew that it was impossible from stopping it but holding is so much easier than letting go. We had our batch's band sing 'Fiz You' and just the love from everyone was overwhelming and I'll surely miss this. The speechfest was given to the school principal for her closing remarks and we all listened intently as she talked about the batch and her being proud of the freshness we keep bringing while maintaining the school's values and we all just wanted to cry when she sad,

"We're ready to let you go."

   Because for the most part, we weren't ready to let go of the school and the afternoon was one of the reasons why. We had our last lectio and we shared and it was just another session of opening up and afterwards, just having fun talking with one another but there was still a lot of time left so we were called to gather as a class as five candles were put in the middle and it was a challenge for us to get the guts to get one and give it to a person as a way of forgiveness or asking for it and as a thank you. It was surreal how much hugs I got and I was too happy to actually cry as I loved our class to bits, the carebears <3

   I love the life I have now, seriously. It's far from perfect but I'm happy and I'd like to think the people around me are happy so that's enough for me. We gathered back to the circle as our teacher-in-charge went ahead to give us her goodbye message as she reminded us to always look out for one another and never forget all the love we have right now and I promised myself that I would do that. She told us that she's never let other students hug her but the sincerity we showed left her with no choice and she'll miss us and we just cried and sang our final song.

   Once we opened the doors, our kapatiran sisters (our 'sisters' from the freshmen) went inside and gave us all a hug and we just wanted to cry even more, even just the sight of it will move you to tears because you could feel the hesitance of everyone to let go from the hugs because of the chance that it was the last. The best part would probably be my hug from someone I've had problems with in the past. When that happened, things just seemed to fall into place and I felt that no matter what happened from that point on, I had that moment to hold onto.

   All I can say is high school really is the best years of your life and it's impossible not to miss it.

Talk on College Life

   What a long day it has been and it's still not over. We had our talk on college life and it was almost bittersweet hearing from my dream school but you know, what happens, happens. The talks were almost scary as there seems to be a lot to expect and a lot to prepare for. It's going to be a new world and they really emphasized that this time, there'll be boys as I am from an all girls school. I think I can handle myself enough since I have had some experience or at least I'd bring myself into that mindset.

   My course seems a lot scarier now as they say that we are the ones who open and close the school because we need to get there super early and leave really late to finish everything in time. My friend told me about her friend who didn't sleep for three straight days during crunch time and wow, that's just some intense lack of sleep going on especially for a girl like me who loves sleeping and all, I just hope and pray I'll survive even for just the year as I do have plans of transferring, fingers crossed.

   I ended up going out with a friend and my sister as we all craved for Mcdo and of course, the impromptu plans are the best. We just did some 'we have nothing else to do so let's just eat' fun and as we waited for my dad to finish, we had fun in the dressing room trying out stuff and I still want that peplum dress and I want a pair of heels, if only I can actually wear it out a lot, the not perks of being tall.

  Here's to making the most out of the remaining days~

National Achievement Test

   As a senior in high school, we are all required to take this and well, we mostly just enjoyed the fact that classes were done so we didn't mind so much. We came to school on time and went to the assigned classrooms and you know it was all good, well for the most part. Our proctor came late so everything was moved later, including our departure time so that was a hassle but lucky for us, we kept finishing the tests early that they kept moving the time up and we actually ended up going home earlier.

   I'm still not sure how to feel about what might or might not happen on Saturday. I know the chances of me being invited at this point are about zero to none but I've accepted that part, it's just him bringing someone other than me that's making me all jumpy and melodramatic and I personally believe my friends are getting tired of it and they all insist that if he does do that then it should be the end of us and I guess it should be because I'm tired of being the second choice to everything with him, the fallback, the one who can talk to just when he's bored, I don't want to be that girl anymore.

   But then I remember all the moments (though not many) when he made me feel like I was the only one and that I was worth all the time and effort and it gives me butterflies but I do know that those butterflies are not good enough and that these short term happy moments will not make me  happy in the long run but of course, I've denied myself again as I am getting ahead of myself, there is a 50% chance he isn't bringing a date so maybe in the few days remaining, I'll hold on to that.

Those awkward first posts

     Do I think anyone will actually read this? I don't know and I'm not sure whether to care about it or not. Well, it's the last day of our tests for my whole high school life and as expected I have too much time on my hands so I have resorted to writing. I miss this and I miss typing out just how everything has gone as I used to do this but I stopped, I'm hoping this one would be better.

    As I said it is the last day and it actually hasn't quite sunk in that it's really done and that the next graded test I'm taking would be in college, I almost can't wait but it's all so overwhelming that I also want things to slow down a bit. I spent the afternoon just eating with my friend but what's new? Had some burritos in Army Navy which were really good, the thought of it makes me hungry again >.<

   But before all that, I found out my friend and this guy I haven't DTR-ed with talked and well at first, I didn't mind it until I bugged her about it and it seems he told her something as she keeps asking questions about how much I like him and all. Things have been rough between us lately but I can't believe he went so far to tell my friend about it instead of me and I just don't know what to think anymore. There's a part of me that feels like after all these months, he's finally given up on me and it hurts because in less than a month, we would've had the chance to finally be together officially and legally so I just don't know how to feel but maybe it's just me overanalyzing all over again which happens a lot so I've decided to get so ahead of myself this time and just let it all take it's course and besides, he's broken me enough for me to be able to survive whatever it is he plans on saying at this moment.
  I'm just glad high school's nearly over because as much as I loved it, I want the fresh start that college is offering much more.