I guess the title says it all, yes that's how I feel and it still hurts and I know that it will keep hurting but there's nothing I can do and this is actually the first time I wrote anything about it aside from the occasional tweets and well, I'm ready for it to hurt again. This guy who I realized I was in love with just like last week, just completely broke my heart and well, I don't know what to do anymore.
He was the first guy I fell for and well yes, I am as I said broken and this is where I go into details, not full but enough for you to get how I felt. You see I'm from one of those families with strict dads but I know that he trusts me so I don't sneak out or what because I've heard just how hard it is to get that trust back so the last thing I want is to lose it so he said he'd allow me come college which right now is a month away. The guy confessed last summer and so we've liked each other for nearly ten months now and well, at one point he's shown signs of giving up but these days, he's been patient and understanding so you know I thought that we'd make it, well we obviously didn't.
There was this dance coming up in their school and everyone expected that he'd ask me but we were on iffy terms then so I thought that if ever he wasn't going to then he'd just go alone. There were talks on what I'd do if he brought someone else and I said I wouldn't know but maybe I'd stop talking to him until he goes full effort to show that he regrets what he'd done. Finally the dreaded day came and I spent the night just having a Doctor Who marathon and eating a lot of ice cream.
The next day I talked with my friend who went to the dance and she said she didn't see him which I thought was sorta weird and it seemed that she avoided the question so I was thinking it was either he went to another dance (as there really were other dances) or she was hiding something. As I was doing chores, she did a surprise visit and well yeah, it turned out she did see him and he did bring a date.
I realized I couldn't go back to him even if he went full effort on me and so I cut off my connections with him and up to now, it's still hard. I told myself that I could handle it as I only did a quick cry in the shower and felt better. Finally, I came to school where it started sinking in that it might really be over between us and well, a lot of people found out and they all hated him but I felt sort of annoyed at the people who acted all sympathetic when they didn't even know we existed until we were over.
I told myself that I can get through the day and I can get over him despite all those months of feelings. I told myself I could until I found out so many more other things that just took all my willpower not to hate him (as I vowed never to hate anyone again after an incident before). Note the fact that all these came from a friend, he actually told her all that even when they only met once and that part in itself hurt, that he didn't have the guts to tell me face to face.
First and the one that hurt the most, at that point I felt like the only pride I had left in my 'relationship' with him was to stop talking to him and be the one to break it off. Well amazing news, it turns out he decided we were over two weeks ago and he decided not to tell me, that was just awfully nice of him. I felt like there was no dignity left within me (but of course, it is impossible to lose your dignity so yeah). Second,he was almost together with his date during the dance and she's full Chinese so her family doesn't like him since he's not even half-Chinese and lastly, he flirted with my friend, enough said.
All my close friends without guys felt like giving up on them completely as they never knew a guy would be capable of doing such things, I had to be the one to comfort them saying that not all guys are like that because I know it's true because I have friends who will never be able to do that to whatever girl. I'm nowhere near over him but I am capable of laughing and having fun but I have lapses and I now have this tendency of questioning everything he ever told me because I mean, I think I have the right to. And that talk of him giving effort to get me back, he's not even going to try and that just hurts so much.
So well the only perks of these is that my parents are letting me go out anytime because they don't want me spreading my depression germs at home plus, everyone's nicer to me but I would've been better off with them not caring if it meant him not doing all that, I just want a do over that's all.
He was the first guy I fell for and well yes, I am as I said broken and this is where I go into details, not full but enough for you to get how I felt. You see I'm from one of those families with strict dads but I know that he trusts me so I don't sneak out or what because I've heard just how hard it is to get that trust back so the last thing I want is to lose it so he said he'd allow me come college which right now is a month away. The guy confessed last summer and so we've liked each other for nearly ten months now and well, at one point he's shown signs of giving up but these days, he's been patient and understanding so you know I thought that we'd make it, well we obviously didn't.
There was this dance coming up in their school and everyone expected that he'd ask me but we were on iffy terms then so I thought that if ever he wasn't going to then he'd just go alone. There were talks on what I'd do if he brought someone else and I said I wouldn't know but maybe I'd stop talking to him until he goes full effort to show that he regrets what he'd done. Finally the dreaded day came and I spent the night just having a Doctor Who marathon and eating a lot of ice cream.
The next day I talked with my friend who went to the dance and she said she didn't see him which I thought was sorta weird and it seemed that she avoided the question so I was thinking it was either he went to another dance (as there really were other dances) or she was hiding something. As I was doing chores, she did a surprise visit and well yeah, it turned out she did see him and he did bring a date.
I realized I couldn't go back to him even if he went full effort on me and so I cut off my connections with him and up to now, it's still hard. I told myself that I could handle it as I only did a quick cry in the shower and felt better. Finally, I came to school where it started sinking in that it might really be over between us and well, a lot of people found out and they all hated him but I felt sort of annoyed at the people who acted all sympathetic when they didn't even know we existed until we were over.
I told myself that I can get through the day and I can get over him despite all those months of feelings. I told myself I could until I found out so many more other things that just took all my willpower not to hate him (as I vowed never to hate anyone again after an incident before). Note the fact that all these came from a friend, he actually told her all that even when they only met once and that part in itself hurt, that he didn't have the guts to tell me face to face.
First and the one that hurt the most, at that point I felt like the only pride I had left in my 'relationship' with him was to stop talking to him and be the one to break it off. Well amazing news, it turns out he decided we were over two weeks ago and he decided not to tell me, that was just awfully nice of him. I felt like there was no dignity left within me (but of course, it is impossible to lose your dignity so yeah). Second,he was almost together with his date during the dance and she's full Chinese so her family doesn't like him since he's not even half-Chinese and lastly, he flirted with my friend, enough said.
All my close friends without guys felt like giving up on them completely as they never knew a guy would be capable of doing such things, I had to be the one to comfort them saying that not all guys are like that because I know it's true because I have friends who will never be able to do that to whatever girl. I'm nowhere near over him but I am capable of laughing and having fun but I have lapses and I now have this tendency of questioning everything he ever told me because I mean, I think I have the right to. And that talk of him giving effort to get me back, he's not even going to try and that just hurts so much.
So well the only perks of these is that my parents are letting me go out anytime because they don't want me spreading my depression germs at home plus, everyone's nicer to me but I would've been better off with them not caring if it meant him not doing all that, I just want a do over that's all.
No comments:
Post a Comment